I am in a physical place where no one respects life. Not even their own. There is so much mental and physical death in here that if I am not mindful and careful, death can claim me too. How do I do this? It’s taken some time for me to understand what I need to do to survive. I have found a simple, yet profoundly productive way to keep my head above this toxic environment; I stay away from the drugs and hooch. I work out every day by running, aerobics and strength training. (I can do better in the sodium and sugar department but Dr. Pepper just put out a strawberry and creme soda…)
In doing this, I have learned to enjoy life. I am now a lover of life. And I feel I always will be. While I was out there in the street, the risk of violence that could lead to fatal actions was high. It was an everyday risk on the street and could happen in one spontaneous, unpredictable moment.
You might think life is easy for me because I’m in prison and I don’t have to pay bills or deal with the day-to-day stress of raising a family, maintain a house, getting paid a decent wage. Surviving in prison has a very different set of rules than surviving out in the world.
Violence in here is commonplace. The possibility of someone killing you is a reality. Fights, stabbings, happen here every day. There is nowhere to run or hide. You have to be hyper-vigilant and aware, and, unfortunately prepared and willing to preserve your life even at the risk of taking one. Inside here, a man will never admit that he killed someone. But he doesn’t have to; you can see it in his every move, the way he looks, eats, and interacts with others. I can honestly say that now, knowing what I do, I am relieved that I never killed anyone.
I can only imagine the trauma one has from engaging in the act of taking a life. I now understand that I was taking lives with the drugs I was dealing to my community. Many of my co-defendants do not share this sentiment but to me this is the truth and this is where we agree to disagree.
When I was free, I realize now it was a ‘performance’ I put on to fight against my social and financial insecurities and to be seen as powerful in the eyes of my gang. I ‘acted’ violent to be accepted. In doing this it’s possible to become a ‘killer’ just to fit in. I can now see how life is fleeting and that to cherish ‘life’ is the best way to live every day, moment by moment.
I recently learned that my son Brandon has a child on the way. Soon I will be a grandfather. I’m not sure I ever imagined this happening. Brandon was two years old when I went to prison. I have watched him grow up, sadly, at a distance.
I made a decision that I will do everything in my power to restore and bring forward new life within the community I helped destroy. My grandchildren will be raised in this community and, while I have life in my heart and mind, their community will be one that they will thrive in. It is a blessing that I still have the opportunity to be a father to my children even though I missed the most germane portions of their lives. And to be a grandfather? It’s something I never even dared to dream of.
Now, every day I think about that growing life. The potential within that child, my grandchild. Life is exciting for some, old and tiring, even stressful for others. I’ve learned to appreciate that every day we all have a chance at ‘life,’ at correcting mistakes, at being forgiven, and forgiving. Every breath we take, every second that passes, we have a chance to live fuller, meaningful lives with substance. Smile. You are alive.
MY2CENTZ